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Hollywood Headlines Haiku (Number One)



Hollywood Headlines Haiku

We want to set ourselves apart from all the other low-brow rags that dish on Hollywood celebs by providing only the highest form of intellectual, cogent and reasonable analysis about the day-to-day goings on in the City of Dreams.

Just kidding. Our minds are in the gutter too…

Unfortunately, we’ve got to keep it somewhat clean so, what better way than with a regular dose of ancient Japanese poetry?

That’s right. We’re gonna reduce recent celebrity headlines to meaningless, snarky pap and render them in Haiku style.

So, here goes:

Kylie Jenner’s bodyguard refutes rumors he is actually Stormi’s dad

What a big surprise

A Jenner with a secret

Like Dad. Or, umm… Mom?

Sandra Bullock swears by ‘penis facials’ and says they keep her looking young

Dude, just be careful

Who knows what she was doing?

“While You Were Sleeping”

Charlie Sheen says the woman suing him for exposure to HIV is a hooker who knew he was positive

Shoulda known better

Watching “Two And A Half Men”

Drinking tiger blood

Opinion: Why Camille Cosby Deserves A Whole Lot of Side-Eye

Once she tried Jell-O

Because her husband liked it

Now she eats Jail-O

Gwyneth Paltrow gives fans some very steamy tips on threesomes and bondage

It’s like a scene from

A play Shakespeare never wrote:

“Taming Of The Screw”

Breaking News

Michael Jackson Pop Joe Dead at 89



Michael Jackson and Father Joe Jackson
Michael Jackson and Joe Jackson image courtesy of Pinterest

Joe Jackson, the “Pop” of the King Of Pop, Michael Jackson, has died at 89 after a long battle with cancer.

The end was expected and he was surrounded by loved ones as he bid farewell to a world he changed forever by rearing a family who changed the face and sound of pop music.

How did he do it?

Various inside sources say it was with an iron will, determination, faith and brutal discipline. The rest of the world knows it only as The Jackson 5.

But, Michael Jackson himself summed it up by revealing he’d grown up missing a childhood and retaliating by leaving his father out of his will.

That was no minor insult. MJ’s estate has grown since his own untimely death, at the age of 50, in 2009. Today he’s worth more dead than alive and, judging by Joe Jackson’s public demeanor and published quotes, it was a grievous blow.

The horrific story of Michael Jackson’s upbringing was long a dark rumor until MJ openly discussed the topic on numerous occasions late in his life. Tales of being beaten with a stick because he wanted to play with other kids, instead of rehearsing the act, were disputed. Until they were confirmed by others who, silently, witnessed it all.

Perhaps the crowning confirmation of Joe Jackson’s megalomania and cruelty was at the memorial ceremony held in Hollywood the week after Michael Jackson died at the hands of an incompetent quack doctor more interested in talking with his girlfriend on the phone than tending to his patient.

When asked, “How are you doing?” Joe Jackson replied, “I’m doing great!” to the stunned surprise of the interviewer.

He went on to use the moment to publicize his new production company and unknowingly revealed he couldn’t care less about his world famous dead son.

The family has released words of sorrow online and a private funeral is being planned.

But, Joe Jackson’s legacy will always be that his relentless pursuit of wealth, fame and immortality permanently scarred one of the world’s greatest ever performers.

In the end, was it all worth it?

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Why Heather Locklear Can’t Be Left Alone



Heather Locklear Mugshot
Heather Locklear faces more charges (Image courtesy of Pinterest)

Heather Locklear is in deep trouble – again.

The Melrose Place star has been acting out for more than a week with her behavior becoming more and more erratic.

In the latest incident, a 911 call allegedly came from her Hollywood home reporting a suspected overdose and Locklear is apparently in an LA hospital for treatment of substance abuse and suicidal intentions.

That’s good because it seems she can’t be left alone right now.

Locklear has been struggling for a decade with what appears to be an emotional issue, possibly self-esteem.

It’s not easy going from one of Hollywood’s most respected TV stars with a reputation for becoming an outstanding actress to a woman whose phone has probably stopped ringing.

It’s a spectacular, public and messy fall. But Heather Locklear is not the first Hollywood icon to suffer this kind of fate.

Joining a roster too long to list, an unfortunately common outcome has befallen other stars who have slipped in the ratings. And, it’s probably a matter of too little attention being paid rather than too much.

Heather Locklear, in the 80s and 90s, earned a well deserved reputation as a “Pretty Face” with a little acting talent who barreled through all the stereotypes and burst out on TV with a surprisingly well executed turn as a villainous “Cougar”  – before the term was even coined.

But, Father Time waits for no one and it looks like Heather Locklear may be stubbornly resisting fate. Nothing lasts forever.

And, with untold wealth and the ability to live a secluded and private life, sometimes loneliness and despair ends up badly.

That’s why Heather Locklear can’t be left alone for a moment until she somehow excorcizes the demons seemingly plaguing her soul.

There’s an old saying: “When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up.”

Let’s hope Heather Locklear will get the help she needs.

And gets the message…

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Was the XXXTentacion murder a hit? By Drake?



Was the Xxxtentacion murder a hit?

Soon after rapper XXXTentacion was murdered on Monday, police were quick to say they thought it was a robbery gone bad by three men who committed a crime of opportunity.

But just days later, rumors are swirling that the murder was really a hit because of eyewitness accounts leaking onto the web.

The story goes like this:

XXXTentacion, without his bodyguards, visited a Miami motorcycle dealership and was followed into the parking lot by 3 men in an SUV. They exited the lot and parked down the street.

A short time later, as XXXTentacion was driving away, they blocked his vehicle, ran up and shot him three times below the neck and, without stealing anything, quickly drove off.

The witnesses swear it was a hit because… the guns were equipped with silencers.

But, it gets even more bizarre.

Now there’s a rumor flying that Drake was allegedly behind the “hit” because his song, “I’m Upset” has lyrics eerily predictive of the actual murder.

In it, he calls out XXX by name and threatens to shoot him three times “below the neck.”

Despite what the cops are saying, most people believed from the very beginning it had to be an organized hit.

We might soon find out.

Just yesterday police arrested tattoo artist Dedrick D. Williams for the crime and were executing warrants for two other men wanted for questioning.

Drake wasn’t one of them…

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